Or, you know, race. Yes, I'm in Boston, and the nerves are happening, and numbing them down is  the sweet caress of slumber graciously granted by Lady A, where each of my limbs are being buoyed up and down by the gentle drift of a balloon's gait. I'm trying to get out some thoughts before I go under entirely, to mentally prepare for what's to be-- this, they say, is a bucket list day, one of those things you simply must do to have lived. And while I've done quite a few of these heinous tricks to my body, I feel differently today. There is something royal about Boston. So much prestige. It is the Kona of running: I had to do something great already just to get here. And now I'm here. And now... what? Do I try to qualify again? This seems a little silly, as I have not been going too hard on the runs, and temporarily lost that part of my identity, as "runner", which seems only recently to have had a resurgence at Ragnar with the team: Duty (doody) calls and suddenly something within me comes to life, and I spring to action. So maybe tomorrow's one of those days where I surprise myself yet again by discovering who I really am. Who, in the confusion of a packed life and multiple passionate projects, am I, when tumbling towards a race course filled with elites? Am I a fraud? Am I a God? Do I ascend like  valkyrie to stand amongst them, as if I never questioned any of it? This is what's at stake this time. No possible goal, just something internal... to run for oneself... to run towards your better self, the self you thought you were, the self you hoped you could be, and the run past that and realize, yes, I am better.

But to be realistic... I'd like to do a solid 3:45. And if I could in my fever dream version of life attain another qualifying time of 3:34, well, that would be transcendent.

And what I want most of all is the remember the good. The hard. The experience, the people. And the fact that this is ME, right now, doing this, and no one else. And I shall wear the SHIT out of the unicorn! Because this marathon... is gonna be EPIC.

AuthorNikki Muller